"What is there, in the mention of Time to Come, that is so quick to wrench at the heart to inflict a pain in the senses that is like the run of a sword, I wonder. Sad, sad is the thought that we are in for a hiding in every round, and no chance to hit back, no hope of a win, fighting blind against a champion of champions, who plays with you on the end of a poking left, and in the last round puts you down with a right cross to kill. There is something of sickness in the thought, and the consolation is only that you will never know the tasting of defeat. For while they are taking your clay from the ring, you are up and starting your fight somewhere else."
I left out three books I will also be taking back.
Where I'm Calling From by Raymond Carver (his short stories)
On Beauty by Zadie Smith (which she signed specifically for me when she was in Seattle last fall and which I may actually not take after all, lest it be damaged in the travel experience.
I do intend to read it soon, though.
And the new biography of William Dean Howells, which is supposed to be excellent. Howells is one of my collecting passions.
I wonder how many of these books I will actually get to read. Too many of them are pretty heavy tomes, literally.
I have started the process of putting stuff together so I can leave for the lake. Each year I try to take less material east, as I know that I have most of what I need right there (and can buy anything I don't take). I have also been trying to leave room in the car to bring back as much as possible of the stuff we got from S's parents' home, stuff that has been taking up room in my bedroom at the cabin. You know, dishes, crystal, etc, family heirloom stuff. So I have learned to go light on a lot of clothes, except for a grocery bag of underwear and another of t-shirts. Some shorts. Not much for cool weather other than the least possible, as there never is any really cool weather in Wisconsin in July. The big choices now are the books to take (see previous lj entry) and the dvd's to take to watch on my laptop. I will take a selection of about thirty movies. My own laptop has a nice big screen for movies. I will take the tablet as well, if I can get the iTunes to work off it.
I guess my main problem today is that I am what my grandmother would call low spirited. I feel emotionally down, tired physically, not looking forward to the long drive. I feel more isolated and alone than I usually do. Ironically, I can expect to feel better once I get to the lake and away from Seattle and Bellevue. Isn't it curious that being around people can reinforce an isolated person rather than alleviate the feeling? If I could just have one summer without stresses and trauma and social obligations, and so forth, I would anticipate leaving with a cheerier spirit. (Though to tell the truth, I don't think I could even fake cheeriness, which is a particularly repellent word right now.)